This morning was one of those really hard motherhood days. I was rocking my teething baby in the middle of the night and then, I struggled to fall back asleep when my head finally hit the pillow. I woke up with both my littles in tears needing to be fed, changed and cuddled – all at the same time. The whole morning I was comforting, tending, guiding and gently correcting my boundary-testing toddler and my curiously exploring 10 month old. The demands of this stage of family life are glorious and all consuming.
Around midmorning, when I was certain it could have been lunchtime, both kids were melting down at the same time. Again. This isn’t an unusual experience in our home at this stage, and I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining – because I’m not. But in this moment of tears, yells, pushing and kicking, I just about melted down myself.
One of my jobs as a mother is to be a calm, soothing and peaceful presence to my children who are learning to regulate their emotions. Especially for my toddler. When there are big emotions (AKA tantrums), I try my best to get on her level, soften and quiet my tone, empathize and guide her to a calm, regulated and more rational emotional state. It’s time consuming. And lately, it’s left me even more exhausted than normal. I’ve been leaving these interactions just honestly wiped out.
And why? Well, it could be because being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting. Oh yeah, and so is grief.
Walking Through Grief
All grief is unique and presents its own challenges. And mine is no exception. My sister died on Good Friday last year. April 7th. I was 32 weeks pregnant with Olive and also the primary caregiver of our 18 month old (now, 2 1/2 years). Emily’s death was awful, traumatic and devastating to our family.
There’s no good time to lose a loved one. Obviously. But it feels like right before having a baby is one of the worst times. My focus had to shift quickly from my own grief to preparing for birth, a newborn and becoming a family of four. I felt my body and my mind, softly putting grief on hold.
Fast forward to the autumn, I began to notice numbness in my emotions. I couldn’t cry. And even my joy felt capped. Like there was a limit to my emotions. I felt emotionally stunted and I wasn’t sure how to feel fully again.
Emily was in and out of my life for the last 10 years or so. For the most part, I don’t have those moments of wanting to pick up my phone to give her a call or text. That wasn’t our relationship as adults. I don’t have those everyday moments of missing her presence. Mostly because I was so used to missing her for years. I think that might be the thing that hurts the most. I’m grieving her as well as the relationship that should have been. And now it never will be.
But I try my best to keep her in our family conversation on a regular basis. When I ask Jona (my 2.5 year old) who my sister is, she’ll answer “Emmy!” She can identify her in a picture. She’s seen me cry about her many times and she’ll often say “Mama, you sad about Emmy?” when I bring her up. I’m not trying to hide anything from my girls when it comes to emotions. I want my girls to know that feelings are a gift from God and they should be managed and nurtured well.
“Riding the Waves”
But in this stage of life, it feels way more complicated to stop and sit in my emotions and to process them. I have way too much to do! Emily will come to mind and maybe a tear will fall. But I don’t have a day to sit and cry on the couch by myself. I’ve never had that since she’s died. My husband is incredible and has given me so much support and care in this last year, but my family needs me. And sometimes I just want to be the one to fall apart for a change. You feel me?
And what happens when I have a quiet moment by myself? Am I seeking the Lord, asking for his guidance and care in the fullness of my emotions and grief? Well, not really, no! I’m cleaning my messy house, scrolling on instagram, responding to the dozens of unread messages on my phone, making my to-do list for the next day or just doing anything that will keep my mind engaged on something other than the mound of grief that’s been looming before me.
What’s Next?!
But something has to shift. It’ll be a year next week and I feel the invitation to step into deeper healing. But how do I do that in this season of life?
That wasn’t rhetorical. I’m actually wondering how to do it? When the tap’s been almost completely dry for months. Sure, there’s been the occasional leak here and there, but mostly, when it flows, it’s been in unhealthy and unhelpful ways.
How are you supposed to grieve well when you’re managing and guiding the emotions of little people 24/7? It’s truly exhausting.
Reclaiming?
I am the “Reclaimed Girl.” I built my life and a ministry on stepping into old and painful memories so that the Lord could fully redeem every part of your life. I never realized how challenging that truly is for some people in certain life stages. For all you single parents out there going through divorces, death of loved ones, loss of jobs, whatever! You are my hero! You are incredible and so much stronger than I could ever be. I’m a firm believer that the Lord gives us capacity for what He calls us to. And it’s by His strength that you’re getting through this.
Oh yeah… I can take that promise for myself too. It’s by HIS strength that I’ll get through this.
I honestly just felt led to write and release this into the world because I know I’m not alone.
Most of you follow this account because you’ve lost a marriage through divorce and betrayal. But many of you know the type of grief I’m talking about. And if you do, will you please help me? How on earth are you supposed to do this? What does grief look like for you in the midst of parenthood, work and an outlandish to-do list? How do you ride the “waves of grief” when everything else is telling you to hold it together? I know books have been written on this, but I’d love to hear from you and your personal experience.
My heart is with you, dear friend. Thank you for being here and taking the time to read this. I love you. You’re not alone.
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